Magical Girl Jaune
by God Emperor Penguin
Summary: Magical Girl Jaune and his partner super moe loli tsundere Magical Girl Winter have to fight against hordes of vampire maids to save the world from the unending light.


**Magical Girl Jaune**

**RWBY**

Told from the perspective of Magical Girl Jaune Arc

**Summary :** _Magical Girl Jaune and his partner super moe loli tsundere Magical Girl Winter have to fight against hordes of vampire maids to save the world from the unending light._

* * *

I ran to school with toasted bread in my mouth when a shadow crossed over me. Looking up, I saw snow. Pure white snow... panties. Panties with snowflake patterns. Coming straight towards my face.

_Wagh_!

"Gah! Pervert! Sexual predator! How dare you touch me!"

My bread-and-panties muffled mouth could respond to the serious allegations of my sexual deviancy. I looked up and saw a cute, loli girl who wore a frilly dress like that looked like a snowstorm. She had stockings that matched her panties.

"You ran into me!" I protested.

"Hmphf!" And the girl flew off. Seriously, she _flew off_. Last thing she shouted was "pervert!"

"I'm not a pervert! Except for those few ero-games... but I'm seriously not a pervert!"

Anyways I get to class at Beacon late and so I'm stuck after school in detention. Kind of weird how they make you stay in late because you come in late right? Like, they're just making me _more late_ to prove being late is wrong. So anyways, I said buy to that cute librarian girl who always wear a cute black bow since she was watching me for detention. Didn't blame her, she was just doing her job. It was night when I came out and I wanted to get home to dinner. So because of that, I took a detour home through a dark alleyway I was pretty sure was safe.

Then came the Neko-Neko Vampire Maids.

The Neko-Neko Vampire Maids were on top of the roofs, a top of the dumpsters, and crawled on that dirty, dirty alleyway floor. They wore frilly maid outfits and had carried feather dusters and wore headdresses with aprons.

"We want to suck your blood!" they chanted.

It was a full moon. They surrounded me as stealthily as a jaguar and quick as a cheetah. They purred and meowed around me with a screeching pitch that would drive lesser men mad. I was one of those lesser men.

"Mommy!"

Then came Mr. Platypus.

"Want some help, bro?"

I must have went mad and the heavenly beings decided to send a talking platypus to help me. Oh, heavens, why have you forsaken me!?

"Yes! I want help!"

"Okay."

I felt a surge of powerful light enter me like a prostate exam. It was burning. It was painful. It was... it was... _magical_!

"Magical Girl Jaune Arc is born!"

"You're still a dude, bro."

"It's okay! I got this!"

And with a swing of my might sword and transforming shield-sheath weapons I defeated the Neko-Neko Maid Vampires in my frilly dress covered in hockey-pads. One by one, they were decapitated and sent to the after life.

"All the evil Neko-Neko Vampire Maids have been defeated!"

"Hey, you're pretty strong. We should team up!" There she was, that girl from earlier with the snowflake panties and matching stockings. "I'm Magical Girl Winter Schnee!"

"I'm Magical Girl Jaune!"

"But you're not a girl..."

"Can't I identify the magical part of myself as female but still stay biological a male?"

Mr. Platypus looked at me. "Are you even listening to yourself right now?"

And on that day, the Magical Girl Team of JPW was born. We spent the next hour battling evil Neko-Neko Vampire Maids that roamed the streets of Vale, sending them to their justly punishment. The battle was long and furious for it made me had to go to the local convenience store and use the restroom there. Oh the terror! I almost had to use the gas station.

After an intense skirmish where a thousand Neko-Neko Vampire Maids laid dead at our feet, Winter turned to me and said:

"Jaune!"

"Magical Girl Jaune," I corrected.

"Magical Girl Jaune..."

"Yes?"

"These monsters won't stop until we defeat the final boss. In order to do that, we must lure the Neko-Neko Vampire Goddess."

"So... she's like a cat god?"

"No... she's a Neko-Neko Vampire Goddess..."

"Like... a zombie cat god?"

"I guess...?"

"Do they have a church? Like, is there barbeques on Sundays and we get to sing songs and meet and greet and all that jazz? Because I'm totally down for some Sunday barbeques.

"Jaune..."

"Magical Girl Jaune."

"Whatever! We need to find her! And in order to do that we need cat-nip! Lots and lots of cat-nip!"

"I got you covered! I know the perfect person to ask!"

Some time later...

"Wait, wait," Yang shook her head at her doorway. "You want to use my collection of personal cat-nip, cat-nip I've been saving up by the way to bait that cute librarian girl, because you want to try to score with an zombie cat god?"

"Zombie cat goddess," I corrected.

"That doesn't explain why you're wearing the dress."

"Talking platypus implied to be the God of All Reality and Existence gave it to me."

Yang rubbed her chin.

"Sounds cool to me. It'll be fifty bucks."

I paid her.

Walking back to winter with a truck full of special edition cat-nip I told Winter, "See? Just a fiddy. Told you it was a bargain." I smiled to myself, knowing I did good Magical Girl work today.

Winter said nothing.

"It's time like these I wonder what am I doing with my life," said Mr. Platypus as he took out a cigarette.

And so, the plan was hatched. We dumped the cat-nip in the local park and set aside some warm milk. It was the perfect offering to attract the zombie cat goddess and then we will defeat her.

And so we waited.

And waited...

and waited...

Before long, a figure came out from the shadows.

"Look! It's her! The Goddess of the Neko-Neko Vampire Maids!"

"That's no Goddess... that's... that's..."

"That's right Magical Girl Jaune," said the shadowy figure.

"Oh she got it right!" I giggled.

"It is I, Blake Belladonna. Quiet and sexually attractive librarian girl by day but controller of all things cat, vampire, and maid at night! Bow before me, Winter of House Schnee and Magical Girl Jaune!"

"Never!" Winter shouted.

"I'm down to negotiate. A date Friday night perhaps?"

What followed was an intense battle. The Neko-Neko Vampire Maids appeared and began dancing in furious beats and synchronized attack patterns. Their defensive formations were thick and creamy while their offensive line found itself thrusting and penetrating deep into our souls. We nearly lost but Winter and I recovered for one last final round.

"Magical Girl Winter!" I gasped.

"Magical Girl Jaune!"

And then came the climax.

The evil cat goddess whatever was finally defeated.

"It's over now," I declared. Winter and I stood triumphantly over the corpse of the defeated evil. Throughout Vale, the souls of expiring Neko-Neko Vampire Maids could be heard joining their master in the great beyond.

"Great work team," said Mr. Platypus. "Enjoy the rest of your night off."

"Fantastic," I said. "I can finally go home and have some dinner."

"C-Can I join you, Magical Girl Jaune?" Winter had her hands behind her back and looked down the floor kicking some dirt. "I don't like going home..."

"Nope!" And with that I ran home.

When I got back I opened the door to my mom, scarfed down dinner and ran to my room, eager to get some tissues and rub some Vaseline over my joystick.

Damn, this is one very well polished PlayStation 4 controller.

And with that I began playing some random PlayStation 4 games until I felt the sudden urge to take a shower. I was sweaty after all and I smelled of cat nip.

Walking to the restroom, my mom yelled something. It was only after I opened the door that I realized what she said.

"We've adopted a sister for you!" was my mom's message.

I opened the door and found Winter half-dressed wearing virtually nothing and as wet as Yang after the ice-bucket challenge.

"M-Magical Girl Winter!"

Winter looked at my bashfully.

"B-Big bro!"

* * *

_Magical Girl Jaune Fin_

**Author's Notes:** _Some things should never be written. This is one of them. Mother. Father. Forgive me for your child is utterly shameless. Also, this is over 1,400 words of rambling with potential alcoholic influence. Muh soul._

_Also, thanks DeltaNovember for the idea._


End file.
